i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
