WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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