"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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