I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
