dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Randomize
