my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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