I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
