awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
