i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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