theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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