I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize