I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
