Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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