tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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