Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize