I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize