the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You took a bar mat shot.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
