I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
