I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
