Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize