i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
