You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
