I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The best revenge is premature balding
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
