if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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