Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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