dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
