coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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