well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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