You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
