Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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