I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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