don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
