my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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