Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
