Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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