i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Randomize
