dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize