Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
