when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
