Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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