There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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