There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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