Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
