Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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