fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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