good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
