normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
