My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
