i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize