Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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