He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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