who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
