his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
