Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
