My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
ttyl tear gas
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
