meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
