meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
