Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
