I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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