why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
