neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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