I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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