woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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