I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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